Turning 30 & Doing Ayahuasca
A very honest update with a bit of an open ending (that's okay!), including some take-home coping strategy awareness for you.
When we spend our lives helping or focused on others it’s so easy to forget that we must first help ourselves. We all know the sayings of putting our own oxygen masks on and filling our own cups, but in our day to day lives it can be easy to find ourselves (oxygen) mask-less and cup runneth dry.
As of recent, more often than not I have found myself in the space of a cup run dry. I didn’t consciously choose this, but, well, it was easier to focus on others than to face some things in my own life that felt scary, challenging, or overwhelming. As altruistic and giving as many of us are, it cannot come at the expense of our own growth, our own self-comittments, or our own needs and desires (especially the ones we don’t want to face).
The Honest Truth
I’ve been struggling a bit for the last few years, knocked down a few times, and have done my best to charge through- to avoid it and convince myself and everyone else that everything is A-OK- and it worked for a while.
Hey, I was traveling the world, things must be GREAT! Right?
The answer is nuanced. Yes, in a way, things were good, many times great(!), and I was making the MOST of where I was at. But perhaps it’s that “where I was at’” felt like a jumbled mess of circumstances I hadn’t consciously chosen and which didn’t fully reflect my truth (I am a taurus moon, cancer rising, afterall, I want a bath and fireplace!)
As time was passing, I was feeling more out of place and afraid of life. No, I wasn’t afraid to travel the world or meet new people, but rather, afraid to show up online, in work, and within my community and the people who know me deeply. Being seen by a stranger across the world was far less vulnerably taxing than being honest with myself or others about the growing uncertainty I was feeling about my future, or my challenges with self-confidence that weren’t going away.
What I now know (thanks Ayahuasca) is that I’ve been feeling untrusting of myself and life itself. TL;DR, my cup was dry as hell but I didn’t realize it.
Insert, Ayahuasca
I had a big birthday approaching (30!) and after years of self-and-professional healing I felt that there was something much deeper I needed to deal with, and quite frankly, I was so damn tired of trying to find it. After some modest deliberation, I did what any Scorpio would do (#extremes) and came to Peru to do a plant medicine retreat.
My ayahuasca experience was, in one word, harrowing. I was faced with A LOT of pain. Pain that I didn’t know I had been running from for a long time. I spent days, full days, embroiled in the most pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was truly harrowing, I cannot minimize this fact. It nearly broke me several times. I was veering towards ‘call a Peruvian ambulance’ levels more than once. But somehow, I survived. Holy f*ck, I did it? Yeah, I did it.
And I, of course, both reluctantly and desperately, realized so much.
Running From (perceived) Pain
I’ve been running from pain for a really, really long time.
Why? Well to start- it’s f*cking uncomfortable. But mostly because somewhere along the way, after a few too many (perceived) rejections, losses, failed attempts, and moments where I felt unseen or intentionally misunderstood, I doubted myself. Somewhere, I lost the belief that I could handle any more of this pain and doubted the belief in my own strength. I started to shy away from further challenges, opportunities (potentially painful!), and vulnerabilities. These are all things I know make life worth living. I preach and teach this, and I still believe this, but for the nervous system and soul that is untrusting, they’re also the most (perceived) unsafe places to be and must be avoided at all costs.
I have a lot of what feels like regrets (*not a bad word! currently reading: The Power of Regret), remorse, sadness, and I also have a very newfound belief (idea) that these 'dark' experiences, feelings, emotions, unsightly as they may be- I can survive them.
Coping Strategies, & Homework for You, too ;)
Newly understanding my coping strategies (thx plant medicine, you’re so kind), I’ve made commitments to be mindful of the habits I’ve long employed to avoid pain… which haven’t ultimately served me or my growth. I’ve listed them below for you as an invitation to look inward towards your own strategies (this is not an exhaustive list of coping strategies by any means).
An important note- coping strategies are not inherently bad, they are healthy and necessary for our safety in moments when we are not safe. But in moments when we are safe but just don’t want to experience uncomfortable emotions (shame, fear, grief, anger), the invitation is to move past the coping strategy and into the experience fully, so that we can learn to trust ourselves and life.
Coping Strategy #1: Rushing to get past, through, or done with something that you identify as unpleasant, unwanted, or unsafe.
New Commitment #1: I will do my best to not rush through this experience to the end locations of gratitude, understanding, or acceptance, ie. getting to the others side to proclaim "all is okay!" If I do, I will return again to the experience itself and feel/experience it, even if just for a few minutes.
Coping Strategy #2: Disassociation such as distraction, numbing, zoning out, or ‘exiting’ the situation (either literally or mentally).
New Commitment #2: I will not habitually distract, numb, or run away from the experience so that it can be, momentarily, over. If I do, I will return again to the experience itself and feel/experience it, even if just for a few minutes.
Coping Strategy #3: Asking or demanding to be saved, or self-sabotaging in order to be saved (by someone else outside of ourselves).
New Commitment #3: I will not preemptively place this experience on others’ shoulders because I believe it is too heavy to carry. If I do, I will pick it back up and carry it alone for a while so that I can learn I am strong, even if for just a few minutes.
Now What?
I don’t write to you with the bursting clarity of a solved equation, but rather with a budding, newfound trust in myself, my capabilities, and in God/enter preferred title here.
I was recently reminded that bravery isn’t being fearless, it’s being scared and doing it anyway. Do I feel up to that challenge? Some moments more than others… and I’m letting that be okay too.
I am balancing knowing this process will serve me- making me a better coach and a human who’s not afraid to dream or try and risk rejection or failure- with the task of not escaping the pain (see strategy #1 above). I’m learning that I can handle the truth of each moment. And, I can try again when I feel as if I can’t.. even if just for a few minutes.
Currently Reading: The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel H. Pink & many other books (follow me on Goodreads here)
Currently Watching: Hallmark Movies & Welcome to Wrexham (Hulu)
Currently Listening: Amos Lee, Dreamlands. (specifically Worry No More, on repeat)
Last but not least, Some Housekeeping
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